It’s Christmas eve and I have never felt so lonely in my whole life.
Only a couple of weeks ago I went jobless and homeless in Morocco. I was
lucky enough to have good friends who let me crash at their place until i came up with a plan. I ended up going to the UK over the holidays to babysit for a family i had already worked with so, for a couple of weeks i didn’t have to worry about housing and food. I did though.
I called my parents to wish them a merry christmas and to finally tell them what had happened (i didn’t want to tell them the news when i didn’t have a plan figured out yet)
well anyways, at that time i wish i had never made that call. My dad only wasted his breath to tell me I was totally crazy, that i had no idea what i was doing with my life, why did i decide to travel in the first place?Why was i working as a babysitter, if I could go home and get a better job, go back to college, because if i were home none of this would have happened.
It was tough hearing all that and feeling like a failure, because i could not feel like anything else, but a failure. I was 25, jobless and homeless, with enough money in my bank account to buy a ticket somewhere and survive there for a month or so, and that was all i had. It felt good, it felt horrible, it felt freeing and it felt terrifying.
I went to sleep that night feeling like crap but i knew i couldn’t go on feeling like crap forever, i needed a change of perspective, and that could only come from me.
The next morning i promised myself i wouldn’t allow other people (no matter who they were) to make me feel like that ever again, and I knew that it had to start from me, i could not go another day feeling like that and belittling myself, feeling sorry for myself for the pettiest things. I JUST COULD NOT.
That was the turning point, i started being more cautious with whom i allowed in my personal life, with whom i would talk to, even how i responded to things in real life and in the online world. I started being more unapologetic about how I’d react to things, how i acted and how i felt. It was exactly what i needed. I felt like i had nothing to lose but my time by being someone i wasn’t.
I was my own crutch, and i really liked that. I always enjoyed doing things my way and spending time by myself.
It was me, myself and my backpack and a whole word to be discovered, nowhere to be, no one to see, just whatever I actually wanted to do and where I wanted to go (that i could afford, of course).
There is a certain peace in choosing your own destiny and not just following a crowd, there is so much wholesomeness in doing what you like and not needing to explain that to anyone. I just didn’t know of all the things i had to give up in order to get here. And I don’t miss them, because somehow they never belonged to me, to my journey.
I NEEDED TO GET AWAY! I needed to reinvent myself, and gosh, it feels so good to start fresh somewhere else, to give yourself the gift of freedom and forgiveness, the gift of understanding why things were the way they were, and why you. All that with the idea that you were just trying your best, and got sidetracked and maybe all this had to happen, that was my rather painful and stressful wake up call to realize i wasn’t fully living and i wasn’t really doing much besides existing, every day.
I ended up buying a one way ticket to Panama, just because a friend recommended it and said i would quite like it, since there were waves in the little village he lived (WARM PACIFIC WAVES).
That was enough, I really wanted that, also the ticket costed USD250 and that was the cheapest and furthest place i could afford at the moment. Looking back on those memories and realizing h0w much i fought for what i wanted, and yes, i was so scared at certain times but i knew that deep down i needed to be scared, that things needed to be done, changed and i couldn’t just go home, i knew the journey wasn’t over, that was just a bump on the road.
A change of perspective is what i needed. Yes, it is important to fight for your goals, dreams and for your place in the world, but sometimes we are so deep in our own head that we dont even know what we are fighting for, we dont know what we want anymore and thats the moment you need yourself the most, that is when you need to be strong enough to sit at a table with your worst enemies, with all the monsters in your head that you were trying to shut up and make them talk, release them, make yourself understand why were they always there, and mostly why they do not belong there.
When you have served your purpose in a place, when it’s time to make a change the Universe will make it so uncomfortable for you that you have no choice but to leave. And leaving doesn’t mean quitting, it means giving yourself another chance for a fresh star\